The Saga of the Light at the End of the Tunnel

Posted by on November 24, 2013
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Today, President Obama announced at a press conference that the light at the end of the tunnel has been permanently turned off. He stated that the carbon footprint of the light was unacceptably high, almost equal to that of Al Gore’s travel to global Climate Change conferences. The President said that there was not enough money in the budget to purchase carbon offsets because of the Republican’s budget cutting measures and to afford the carbon offsets the government would have to close down all National Parks for a year.

This is a distressing story, but what its more interesting is the story behind it. This daring reporter has spoken to people within the administration and has uncovered the true and bizarre story behind the light at the end of the tunnel.

Last year, when the light at the end of the tunnel (LATEOTT) was, with much fanfare, officially replaced with a CFL bulb. The result was a dimmer bulb, but if you waited long enough it gradually got a bit brighter. This replacement was hailed as a dramatic success and would save at least 100 square kilometers of icecap in Greenland. However, this was to lead to the undoing of the LATEOTT. The exact incident is still shrouded in mystery. It might have been Vice President Biden with a shotgun, or Nancy Pelosi was drunk-flying her broomstick. What is known is that on the morning of October 1st, 2013 the light was found in pieces on the floor of the tunnel by janitorial staff.

The EPA was called out immediately to do an environmental impact survey of the mercury gas released when the light was broken. However, the Dept of Energy (DOE) has also sent teams from the Office of Health, Safety and Security (HSS), the Office of Environmental Management (EM) and the Office of Energy Efficiency and Renewable Energy (EERE). Feeling a little left out, the Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) sent out teams from the Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry (ATSDR) and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDCP). In addition, the IRS and the NSA felt obliged to send in units to investigate. In the resulting confrontation 35 agents from various departments were killed and 113 seriously wounded, 2 vowels and 5 consonants were also grievously damaged. The melee was only ended when the NASA SWAT team was dispatched.

Although samples were collected by several of the groups, the government labs that would process them had run out of funds after a “conference and team building seminar” in Las Vegas earlier this year. The bulk of the funds were spent on reuniting the original cast of Star Trek to do a skit about how wonderful the labs are and what great advances they are making in science. The labs will reopen at the beginning of the next fiscal year. This closure has delayed the environmental impact reports on the LATEOTT incident indefinitely.

The President, after announcing that the light was turned off for energy saving reasons, the next day held an emergency news conference where he told the country, with tears in his eyes, that the light was broken, but he wouldn’t know about it until he saw himself announcing it on MSNBC later that afternoon. The POTUS then announced that he was hard at work trying to fix the light, which led to an inevitable wave of jokes about how many Presidents it takes to change a light bulb. He then hopped onto Marine One for the short flight to Andrews AFB where he was almost late for his tee time.

Meanwhile, his cabinet met so they could discuss how this could be blamed on the Republicans. David Axelrod had suggested that George W. Bush had done it. Obama was to bring the light of true enlightenment to the world and Bush, being a racist bastard, had destroyed it. Valerie Jarrett said that it should be blamed on someone who was a more immediate threat and Ted Cruz and Rand Paul fit the bill nicely. After all, Cruz is a foreigner who hates the LATEOTT because it exemplifies American exceptionalism, and he is a Canadian. Paul is a Libertarian and doesn’t believe in a government controlled LATEOTT and so probably swung the bat (made from non-sustainable hard woods). The campaign that would blame the Republicans became an unrivaled success when Sen. McCain agreed that the extreme fringe of his party was guilty of the deaths of the federal agents.

The result is that the bulb will probably never be replaced. The administration is saving money by not having the bulb and has run a successful campaign to blame its breakage on the Republicans. They have also created 500 jobs across the federal government for the purpose of investigating the incident, and making plans for a better light that is run by solar energy. Another 100 positions were created to investigate the altercation between the agencies over the LATEOTT breakage, which will forever be known as the Alphabet Soup Battle. Vice President Biden has hailed this as the greatest job creation program since the New Deal.

So light is out forever and the only winner is bureaucracy.


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Lloyd Dodd was a PhD student in International Relations at the University of Aberdeen, from which he also received his Master’s in Strategic Study. He’s currently trying to finish his dissertation from his home in Texas where the weather is better. His area of research is Military Keynesianism in Europe but currently hates it, academics, furry animals and probably you.