Tips For Being A Good Communist Leader: or Why isn’t Pol Pot a Rockstar of the Left? (Part 2)

Posted by on December 15, 2013
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statuePart Two

(Part One is here)

So you want to be a Glorious Progressive Leader. It’s important to look to the greats of the past so you can set goals and be able to mark your progress by seeing how you measure up to others. It’s not all fancy uniforms and grand speeches from podiums.
Let’s start with the most sensational aspect of these leaders, death toll. Mao definitely wins this category (golf claps please- no air horns) with 40 to 70 million people having perished in the Cultural Revolution and the Great Leap Forward. Just remember, all those people died for the betterment of China, it was all for a good cause. Stalin comes in at second with 10 to 20 million dead. True, he only actively ordered the deaths of 700,000 or so in purges, but allowed the rest to die through famine- either through state inability to mobilize the food to affected regions or unwillingness to do so (the Ukrainians were a little too happy to host the Germans and so definitely had it coming.) Between the Kim triumverate the death toll in North Korea has been between 1 and 5 million. The numbers vary greatly depending on the source. Of that between 400,000 and 1.5 million have died in re-education camps, 100,000 in purges and the rest from famine. This is entirely the fault of the US mind you. The US is to blame for the inability of the crops to be harvested and for keeping food coming in from China and the US.

Remember, famines are not a way of controlling population, enlightened leaders don’t do things like that. You use famines to punish people for not liking you. Castro and Che only managed to kill off between 73,000 and 119,000 through purges and imprisonment. On the whole this is a very poor showing for the Cubans, but of all the leaders being examined, Castro is the only one still killing people, so he still has a chance to catch up. Pol Pot, with between 1.7 and 3 million killed, is in the middle of the pack. However, as his country only had around 7 million people, I think that’s quite an accomplishment. Plus Pol Pot does get extra point for often forgoing bullets (which aren’t very green) and having people clubbed to death. Thus he managed to kill up to 30 times the number of people that Castro and Che did, only with a smaller carbon footprint. Now those are real green credentials! Although to be fair, Cuba hasn’t increased its carbon footprint in 50 years because it doesn’t have the industry it would otherwise have under capitalism.

Anti-Americanism is always popular and the more someone is against the US the more people with “correct ideas and opinions” will fawn over them. Some people have made careers out of hating the US so it must be an important factor in being loved by the “right people”. The most entertaining US hater is Kim Jong-Un (Sorry, Castro, but those three hour speeches are just too long to be fun.) Kim blames the US- for… well everything that has ever gone wrong, anywhere, ever. Kim Jong-Il received aid from the US, but forced the evil capitalists to give over the food and so in this case receiving aid from the US is actually a good thing. Stalin used the US before and during WWII, but Uncle Joe had no love of the US and once it was politically possible, he pointed out that he was ideologically opposed to the very existence of the US because it was exploiting people (which is far worse than killing them- as every right thinking person knows.) Mao fought against imperialist forces backed by the US to get rid of Western imperialist influence so he definitely has anti-US credentials. Do I really need to go into Che and Castro? Castro and Che wanted to attack the US with nuclear weapons and when Krushchev nixed that idea (something is definitely wrong when shoe thumping Nikita is the cool head in the room) the dynamic duo tried to bomb New York shopping centers with 500 kgs of TNT the day after Thanksgiving. Of course, daring plans of mass murder only really count if you’re able to accomplish them. If your agents get caught by federal officers it only counts in the events of a tie. Now Pol Pot hated the US, but the US sent him aid because he was fighting other communists. (Yes, Castro received aid from the CIA when attempting to overthrow the corrupt capitalist government of Cuba, but he didn’t tell the CIA he was a communist so it’s all fair.) Was that Pol Pot’s great mistake? Receiving aid from the US is the kiss of death when it comes to being loved by the global community? If you must receive aid, make it at the end of a bayonet so you don’t look like a weak hypocrite.

The next segment will include the more person aspects of these leader’s lives as well as a Cosmo type sexy ranking of the glorious leaders and tips on how you can be a 10.

(Part One is here)

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Lloyd Dodd was a PhD student in International Relations at the University of Aberdeen, from which he also received his Master’s in Strategic Study. He’s currently trying to finish his dissertation from his home in Texas where the weather is better. His area of research is Military Keynesianism in Europe but currently hates it, academics, furry animals and probably you.

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