Tips For Being A Good Communist Leader: or Why isn’t Pol Pot a Rockstar of the Left? (Part 4)

Posted by on December 30, 2013
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Part Four

(Read Part OnePart Two, & Part Three)

“… the life of a single human being is worth a million time more than all the property of the richest man on earth.” Che Guevara

I recently saw this quote floating around the internet, with my pinkish friends touting it as proof that Che was a valiant leader of the people. Yet this is the man who pulled down a wall so he could see the execution grounds from his office and delighted in personally executing people who were enemies of the state. Such utter and complete cognitive dissonance is your state of grace, your nirvana. This is your goal.

From death tolls to the sexiness of mustaches this series has covered the outstanding aspects of the 20th century’s most beloved Communist despots. So here is the final list of Do’s and Don’ts and how not to end up like Pol Pot:

Do:

– Kill as many people as you like. Either actively or through neglect, killing your own people is just fine. Just don’t make the mistake that Hitler did and start killing people from other countries.

– Hate the US. This is a must for any communist (or European) leader. If you receive aid from the US make sure that you’re forcing them to give it. “Give me food or I’ll invade my neighbor” actually seems to work. This does not meant that you don’t fete US celebrities who wish to fawn over you. Invite them in and have a grand time deriding US policies and leaders. The people of the US love their celebrities and are willing to listen to them on matters of foreign policy. After all, if you’re successful at acting or playing sports you have to be an intellectual giant, even if you flunked out of high school.

– Write a book. Either write it yourself or hire a ghost writer. Good liberals need something to curl up with at night over their Lapsang souchon and Lhasa Apso ,and a book talking about your struggle against the US with a few poems about the suffering of oppressed workers is sure to top the NY Times book list. If you’re really clever you’ll find someone to write poetry for you as well so people think you have a soul (which you don’t because you’re a rational being and know that souls are a myth created by religions to control people.)

– Get a good PR person. Make sure you get a good portrait of yourself and post it everywhere. I’m talking about the inside of toilet stalls kind of everywhere. Then get a photographer to take photos of you constantly in case they can get a good shot for t-shirts. There is a website devoted to photos of Kim Jong-il looking at random things which would only be possible is he had people photographing him constantly.

Don’ts:

– Kill people from other countries- see the above.

– Accept US aid without demanding it and threatening nuclear retaliation if the grain isn’t packaged in bio-degradable recycled bags so people will know how globally conscious you are.

– Spend any time in prison idly- prison time is for writing your manifesto or memoirs. Remember, this even worked for Hitler.

– Let your photographers take photos of you or your staff killing people. This just encourages pride in you- for your accomplishments, and evidence to the human rights courts.

From this analysis we can more easily see where Pol Pot went wrong. He definitely needed to kill more photographers- we still have too much photographic evidence of what happened in Kampuchea. He then should have hired a PR person and spent his retirement (house arrest- it’s really the same thing) writing books and poetry. With these simple changes instead of being sad chump, Pol would be the life of the communist party- long after his death. So all you aspiring Glorious Progressive Leaders take note and come back again for more tips on helping the masses through your thoughtful leadership.

I must send out a special thanks to Humberto Fontova. His articles on Cuba have been both horrifying and inspirational.

(Read Part OnePart Two, & Part Three)


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Lloyd Dodd was a PhD student in International Relations at the University of Aberdeen, from which he also received his Master’s in Strategic Study. He’s currently trying to finish his dissertation from his home in Texas where the weather is better. His area of research is Military Keynesianism in Europe but currently hates it, academics, furry animals and probably you.